To Have Loved and Lost
by bellumjustum
Summary: Jack thinks about the lost loves of his life.


Title: To have loved and lost

Category: angst, Jack POV

Summary: Jack thinks about the lost loves of his life.

Rating: PG-13 for two uses of the F word

Status: complete

Season/series: 8

Spoilers: The last episode I saw was Sacrifices season 8, I can't be held responsible for anything past that.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate, Stargate Sg-1 the characters, the actors or any portion of the United States Military. I have less than no money (I knew that whole negative numbers thing would come in handy sometime, kids this is why you need to learn math) nor do I want money (just kidding, I don't want any money for THIS, because that would be against the law or something)

Archive: Yes please, (the only place I know for Stargate fics) anywhere else you like just please let me know where to put it (I mean where YOU put it, and send me that way for good fics please).

Feedback: oh thank you, may I have another please?

Email: please put something in the subject line so I know it's not junk.

Authors Notes: This fic was finished at 3:20 am, Thursday February 3, 2005. It was started about two weeks ago, but I only work when the muse strikes me. Also, yes, I am a depressing bastard. Deal with it. Again this story has not been beta read, so all errors are mine and mine alone.

**To Have Loved and Lost**

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill put the brown paper bag down on the table, himself almost falling into his couch. He set his gun on the table next to the cigarettes he had brought earlier, leaving the lights off he lit his first cigarette in…9 years. Jesus, where did the time go. It was only yesterday that he stepped through the gate for the first time; at least that's what it felt like. He was going to miss going to other worlds. He loved gate travel, loved doing the right thing, loved defending his country, but no more of that for him. As he took his first drink of whisky he thought about his life, how he had lost everything that he loved. As the alcohol warmed him he wondered; was it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

He loved his son, Charley; he loved him as only a father could love a son. Charley's loss was his fault. He had left his fucking gun out, just that once. He had just gotten back; he wanted nothing more than to hold his wife. He dropped all his stuff on his bedroom floor and went outside to find has Sara. He found her and pulled her close. The shot echoed around the yard and shattered his life. His first love lost.

He had married his high school sweetheart Sara, the love of his life. They had stayed together throughout the four years he spent at the academy and married the day after her graduation. The day she told him that they were pregnant was the happiest day of his life; he thought his life could not get any better. He was wrong, the first time he held his son he knew his life was complete. After Iraq it was only the love of his wife and son that pulled him through. The dreams of his family chased away the nightmares of torture. Then came the worst day of his life, the day he lost Charley was the day he lost Sara, it only took her longer to leave his life, for her grief to overcome their love. With nothing left to live for he had taken the mission through the stargate. The mission that would end his life. Before he had left his house for the last time he wrote his wife a letter. He loved her, he always would, but he wasn't coming back.

But he came back and she was gone. His second love lost.

Skaara had been one of the two men to drag him back from the edge that the mission had him running to. He saw the look in the boy's face, the look that he wasn't entitled to, not anymore, the look of adoration from a son. He had saved the Abydonians from Ra. They were his second family. But when Apophis came through the gate he had to tell the truth about the mission. And then he begged to save them. Then the fucking Goa'uld took Skaara, he thought he would never see him again.

Skaara was his Third love lost.

The other man that pulled him back from the abyss was Daniel. He never thought that he would like the man, much less that he would become friends with the man. Daniel was his conscious, he didn't always do what spacemonkey said, but he always listened. Daniel always was willing to put himself before others. Daniel had put his life on the line to save a people that were quite frankly not worth saving. Daniel had died the way he would have wanted, saving others. He was the fourth love lost.

Jack looked at the bottle on his table, it was almost gone, as were the cigarettes, but he had enough to get him through.

Damn, Carter was so happy when she told him that she was getting married. He was happy for her, she deserved to be happy. But it broke his heart. He would never have thought that he could still feel pain after all he'd been through. But knowing that she would never be his regardless of what happened stuck him like a ton of bricks. There was nothing he could do, nothing he would do; he was a good man, a man of honor. He would not ask her to give up her chance with Pete, why Pete for cryin' out loud. But she was happy. He would do nothing to change that happiness, that was the measure of the love he felt for her. His tears burned hot tracks down his cheeks. He had lost everyone he loved. But no more, as he put his gun in his mouth. She was the last love lost.


End file.
